Today, I'm suppose to go cycling at East Coast Park with Nick, Harry and Kian Ming. But due to the weather forecast that reported it will rain today, the plan was cancelled. So maybe we'll go tomorrow then. But still have to check the weather forecast for tomorrow...

And yup. Now I'm at home. Nothing much to do. I'm getting bored and I'm having a headache because too much of lying down. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING! What I can only think of right now is FOOD! That's what I usually think of when I'm bored. Luckily I have a blog to occupy myself with.

I was reading one of my friends blog and her entry reminds me of my problems with my self- esteem. Can say my self esteem now are better compared to the time when I was in secondary school. During my primary school, I have no issues regarding my self-esteem because I was too young to give a damn about it. My self esteem was low mostly due to my image. I'm quite fat when I was in secondary school and I gain more weight until I graduate.

During my primary school years, I look good. Initially I was underweight, until I reach primary 4. Then my weight was acceptable until secondary 1. When I moved to secondary 2, my weight increases and until in secondary 4, I have to join TAF club because I'm overweight. HAHA! During this period where I'm overweight, I've been fighting with my self-esteem. I've been criticised and teased by people. IT HURTS. Duh! I'm a human being and I have feelings. But it depends to a certain extent. Sometimes, they didn't mean to hurt me but just taking it as a joke because I, myself making it like so. I'm not and don't want to be a VERY SENSITIVE person who cannot even take a slightest joke. It really helps when you turn your weaknesses into a joke because you showed to people that you are not going to be affected by such jokes and due to that, people will tend to joke lesser. However, everything has its own limits. I can't accept a criticism by someone who are no better than me. For example, a big fat person criticising me because I'm fat. I mean like "GO FIND YOUR MIRROR LAH DUDE!"

And talking about that, I have a cousin who are about 10 years older than me. He is fat and yet everytime when he came to my house and without fail, he will call me names such as FATTY in front of people. And then, when I reply and said, "YOU ALSO NO BETTER THAN ME WHAT?"(in a politely joking manner) He replied, "NO WHAT? THIS IS CALLED MUSCULAR AND NOT FAT". I was like "THEN HOW YOU EXPLAIN YOUR BIG FAT BELLY? OVERDOING YOUR CRUNCHES UNTIL IT TURNS INTO 1 WHOLE BIG PAC IS IT!"

I don't mind if you wanna joke around with me. But if everytime you did it, it turns to be VERY IRRITATING. Then he also try to be the NUTRITIONIST for the day when he said to me, "THE RICE DON'T EAT TOO MUCH. HALF THE PLATE ONLY. " And during that time, I was about to have my lunch and scooping the rice. Argh! How irritating can it be?

There are also other people with different incidents which I faced that affects me indirectly and directly until my self-confidence became very low. I will feel very uncomfortable being in a crowded room or places, alone. The reason is that, I will feel that this people there will be criticising and looking down at me but who knows, in fact, they are not. Maybe it's just my feelings.

So last year, one fine day, I was thinking about it and said to myself, "HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE LIKE THIS?". So I analyse the situation. And find the cause of it which is actually my image and weight which makes some people look down on me and thus, cause my confidence level to be very low. So I decided to lose weight to solve this problem and also for my own good. And I did. YEAH! I lost 17kgs in 3 months.

GUESS WHAT? My irritating cousin now no longer criticise me and instead he criticise himself. HAHA! Funny person. But he's losing weight also. I wish all the best for him. And my confidence level had also improved. But there's still more to improve on. It just needs time.

And lastly, I'm glad to have friends who have been very supportive and taking care of my feelings. You guys makes me feel very secure when I'm with all of you. THANK YOU FRIENDS!

do you feel, what I'm feeling now?

Labels: Bored